Last Will

I do not testate
haven't got enough power
wasted
for all those voidnesses
absorbed
by self-denial

what shall I leave behind
own nothing
am nothing

all within me is fulfilled
by him
my yearning
my fen
my sword forest

he has never been in my arms
so why living

he will never be there
and I do not want to go on anymore

waiting, hoping, insanity
will never come true anyway

trail of blood in my hand
river I want to follow
cannot
will I ever be able to

do not have the courage
the strength
not even for an end

though it is as clear
as a hoarfrosted meadow
underneath spring fog

why suffering any longer
you do not know
the dread of every single day

all I dream of
is his sword
or a pistol
kissing my chin

do not want anymore
can no more
and though I am too craven
to end this farce

cries for help
who wants to hear them
no, I am not angry with them
couldn't help anyway

only one can
only he can
but he remains hidden
and the part of me
that is not he
within me
dies with me